No one else has wellies, do they?

One of the best things about going to a college this big (about two thousand students at last count) is the variety of people. This alone doesn't outweigh the bad things (the big class sizes, crowded corridors), but it's definitely a plus.

You can look at it two ways: on the one hand, there's so many different kinds of people; on the other hand, there's so many people who all look, act and think exactly the same way. Don't worry, I'm not about to go all non-conformist on you (my days as a rebel ended when I threw out my Slipknot posters) but it gets me down, when everyone seems to be so superficial. You see whole crowds of girls walking down corridors that are all wearing the same clothes. Literally. I don't know if they plan it, but if one of them wears tight blue jeans and heels, a cream fur-lined jacket and a pink t-shirt then, dammit, the rest of them will too!

The thing is, here, even the non-conformists look the same - dressing in black isn't quite so cool when twenty of your mates do it too. When I was 13 and filled with angst, Farnborough 6th Form was my ultimate. Everyone I knew who went there was interesting and unique, they all wore crazy clothes and rebelled. And, now I'm here, that's the problem. Everybody wears crazy clothes. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stand out in this place, because there's so many people that someone else will be doing it too.

It really, really got to me last year. I've always prided myself on being a unique person and, at school, I was. I was the crazy one, I wore weird clothes and did weird things and I was known for it. I went to Farnborough and all of a sudden I well and truly blended in. It took me down a definite peg or two. It sucked, but go figure, I'm probably a better person for it because now I really don't care. Not in the way that the girl who wears the tophat and suit to college doesn't care, not in the way that the girl with the mohican doesn't care, but in my own, special and unique way I just don't care about standing out and fitting in anymore. I can honestly say that I wear what I want and the hell with it. ...Well, kind of. My polka dot wellington boots were definitely intended to stand out. What can I say? No one else in the college seems to have them, and it's nice to know I can still make people stare.

Anyway, the original point of this post (I tend to talk too much, you'll learn to love it) was that the sheer amount of students in the college means that I'm forever being asked to take part in some kind of coursework experiment. At the moment it's English Language experiments (I've done three in the last two weeks!), which are usually fun. The last one was about language acquisition (apparently I have a natural flair for Japanese, although what relevance that has to English...) and today I got dragged into one about types of conversation.
I had to sit on a bench opposite my friend Marie-Claire (they were to scared to ask a stranger to do it so we pretended) and have a conversation about drugs while the guy whose coursework it was filmed us. It was, for some reason, incredibly embarassing.

I've realised over the past few weeks that i absolutely hate watching myself on film. This is news to me, because I love making films, but when it comes to watching them back, I go the most curious shade of pink... In Drama we watched our exam piece back on video and the only comment I could make was "why did no one tell me my arse looked fat in that costume?", to which my teacher replied, "we knew, we just thought we'd keep it secret". Humph.
The point is, this is kind of worrying. I'm applying to do drama at university, I want to get involved in the film industry if I grow up, so what am I doing developing a fear of watching myself on screen?? I've always been hyper-critical of myself, but this is much worse. I can't help thinking, is that what everyone else sees when they look at me?.

Never mind, I reckon it's like hearing your voice on tape. Everyone hates the way their voice sounds on tape because it doesn't sound like it does in your head. But, of course, no one else hates your voice when you talk. We all pick up on the bad things about ourselves on tape and film, but that doesn't mean everyone else will, right? Right?