pharmaceutical epiphany

I've been off meds for about 5 days now. Health centre chaos meant that I wasn't going to get a new prescription for a couple of days anyway and after a rough 48 hours last week I thought I'd come through the worst and stupidly decided to take a lax approach to drugging myself up again.

Turns out, that wasn't the worst.

Constant low-level nausea, come on down. Moodswings and teariness, come on down. Sudden urges to down a whole bottle of painkillers, come the fuck down and bring me a headache while you're at it.

Ugh ugh ugh. Completely self-made misery am I. On the plus side, I have discovered two important things.

1) After weeks of deep curiosity, I now know exactly what would happen if I were to 'just stop taking the damn things'. It's not pretty.

2) Anti-depressants do, in this instance, in my case, at this time, for what I need, work. In that I wanted to feel better and, whilst taking them, I did. In that I felt shit before, then I felt better and now I'm not taking them I feel shit. That's a pretty simple kind of science, simple even enough for me to understand. Yes, I know it's not always that simple, but simplicity is beautiful for me.

Suddenly, start to feel sick, have to lie down. Try to get up, collapse on Sam, which is oh-so dignified, have to sleep for a while, dream about being in Scotland, then feel a bit better and go for a walk.

Having to lie down though. It's genuinely terrifying how quickly depression hits you again. Without expecting it, it's like suddenly projectile vomiting as opposed to knowing you're going to be sick and taking the necessary precautions.

Fuck me, is all I can say about that.

Also, that no one's ever seen me that vulnerable before. Before, I could recognise when the Bad Place started yawning like a chasm underneath me; today I just thought I felt a bit tired and should sit down and was actually rather surprised to find myself paralysed in bed with utter exhaustion and misery. You know, you don't really do that much in front of people, least of all your new boyfriend.

How to explain it?

I guess the reason I'm writing about this is because I want to say that it's actually a good thing. I can't wait to get back to pill-popping. I'm practically salivating for it. Blah blah blah. Drugs are bad. Fuck it, not when they make you feel better they're not.

Today I realised how bad life was before. I don't ever, ever want to put myself through that again.