Monday, April 13, 2009

petition for healthy living

Having a mosey around the Official Site of the Prime Minister's Office reveals some interesting petitions (We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to...):

...not support a state funeral for Baroness Thatcher. Apparently one was offered to Florence Nightingale and she was a thundering racist, so why the hell should Thatcher be denied just for hating poor people? /Snark.

...direct the government to provide Jaguar Land Rover with the targeted assistance it is requesting to weather the credit crisis and retain its central role at the heart of the UK's automotive and manufacturing industries. Yes, because the beauty of striving for deregulated capitalism during a boom is that when it all goes tits up the government that were expected to mind their own business are now expected to cough the fuck up. Mmm, taxes.

...increase the sentences of those found guilty of attacks on horses, ponies, and other equines. Increase the sentences of those* found guilty of attacks on members of the public?

...capital punishment for paedophile's and child murder's (sic). Mandatory smacks upside the head for those who attempt to petition the Prime Minister using improper punctuation and spelling?

...call on The Sun newspaper to back the social work profession. Makes more sense if you read the details. Nonetheless, actually asking the government to control the free press seems ill-considered.

...make urgent representation to the Broadcasting regulator, Ofcom, the broadcasting institutions operating in the UK and film regulators, asking them to stop the use of unnecessary swearing and bad language in their productions (including those available for downloading from websites) and to urge providers of user-generated content to take similar action. Couldn't agree more - about fucking time.

...establish an automatic buffer zone of at least 2 km between any new industrial size wind turbine and any home. Not in my back yard, etc.

...change the law to allow children born alive the right to life. Because everybody knows that currently, children born alive are tossed out the window by Act of Parliament.

Yes, yes. I'm being horribly facetious, particularly with that last one. It actually refers to children born before viability and makes a good point. I just really think one should check the wording of their plea to government to make sure it, you know, makes sense and junk.

(As an aside, the act of tossing something out the window is called defenestration. The simple fact that we have a word for this should be broadcast on the Beeb daily, in order that the petition-wrights of this world - myself included - might momentarily unclench.)

*****

In other news, I'm eating toast. Hurrah! I no longer feel like my body is trying to turn itself inside out and - as a thank you - shall now embark on that time honoured campaign of wishful thinking known as 'looking after myself'. I.e., no booze, fags, Dominoes, KFC Fully Loaded, or drinking coffee as a replacement for both food and water. I shall henceforth replace Coke Zero with fruit juice and a slice of lemon, endeavour to eat my five-a-day (and stop trying to convince myself that having lots of salad on my foot-long Sub makes it ok), cook simple yet delicious meals from scratch and curl up with an improving book and vegetable smoothie sprinkled with hemp seeds rather than getting wasted.

I give it a week.

But really, I'd like to be a little different. I wonder what my friends are like when I'm sober?

* read: police officers.

Edit: This I would sign a petition against.

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