lost in transaction

Having discovered the wonder that is dooce.com (both touching and hysterically funny, my new favourite blog), I'm kind of wary about slagging off my job on this here site. It's a pickle: I don't want to be Dooced myself, but on the other hand, I really don't give two hoots about my job. Part-time supermarket work for £4.50 an hour? I know there's them that'd be glad of my job, but I, sadly, just ain't one of them.

So here it is, my homage to getting fired for hating one's job, otherwise known as "Lost in Transaction: How to piss me off between the hours of 11am and 8pm, each and every Saturday, at an unnamed supermarket in Sandhurst."

1) Refer to me as you there. Granted, it's only happened once but I was really quite offended. Last time I checked, I wan't a peasant and you weren't the lord of the dirty smegging manor.

2) Approach my till with an expression that says "I'm far too good to be in here but darn Marks and Spencers don't do brand name ketchup and I need the Heinz" and thrust a giant box containing a hoover or excercise bike or some such piece of crap without even looking at me. If you're aiming for my face, at least take a moment to look at it.

3) Hand me your credit/debit and loyalty card before I've scanned your shopping. Yeah, because I have a place to put that. There is quite obviously a specially designated area behind my till in which I keep your financial paraphernalia. Obviously, the whole point of this new chip and pin system was that you let me play with your credit card for a full ten minutes before you use it.

4) Having given me your credit/debit and loyalty card, look at me like I'm about to steal them. If you're so damn protective, why don't you keep a hold of the things until you need them, do I look like the provisor of your Mastercard??? On second thoughts, maybe I can think of a place to put your Visa...

5) Men: Stand at the top of the till and leer at me while your wife drowns in a sea of groceries and screaming children. When she eventually asphyxiates in a carrier bag, berate her for being incompetent, yell at the kids and wink at me. I'm sorry sir, is there something in your eye? Is it my finger? Oh no, how'd that get there?
Women: Stand at the top of the till while your husband drowns in a sea of groceries and screaming children and watch me like a hawk lest I should diddle you. Here's the deal you snooty bitch, left to my own devices I'll probably make mistakes. With you breathing on my face I definitely will. And you know what? Next time I double scan something by mistake, I'm not going to menu-void-void last item-are you sure-yes it.

6) Talk down to me. Assume that, because I'm working in a supermarket that I'm a single mum with no qualifications and a boyfriend on benefits. Furthermore, having made this assumption, believe that this makes you better than me. Sometimes I wish I was as white trash as you think I am, just so I'd be hard enough to kick your arse. You've just bought 12 bottles of Lambrini and three bottles of own-brand vodka. JUST BECAUSE I'M JUDGING YOU DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUDGE ME.

7) Under 5s: Climb on the belt and start singing "I am incredible" at the top of your voice.
Parents of the under 5s: Smile indulgently while your child does this. If all else fails, why not give them my pen to chew on?

8) Invade my personal space. Boundaries don't exist in supermarkets, so feel free to lean over the till and pick things up. What did you think, that I was going to withhold the crappy biro from you? Maybe I'd forget to give you it and we'd all be caught in limbo for eternity, receipt unsigned? Or that I was gonna sit there and taunt you with it? "It's my pen and you're gonna have to say please a couple more times."
By the way, this applies to your receipt and card at the end of the transaction. Clearly, I have no intention of handing you the card and receipt, that's way beyond my mental capabilities. Be warned, one of these days you're gonna lean over my till and I'm going to sink my teeth into your hand.
Oh now you want the card? Now you don't trust me with your credit card? Tough luck, you'll get it back when I'm good and ready.

9) Start eating the food before you pay for it. In fairness, I appreciate that kids can be annoying, and if tiny psycho baby has its heart set on one of the biscuits you're buying, I won't stand in your way. And most customers are very good about giving me the wrappers to scan, as opposed to chucking them away before they reach the till. But when you show up at the till and hand me an apple core, you're starting to tread the thin line.
One more time, with feeling: How can I weigh your apples if the majority of your apples are already making their merry way down your digestive tract? You think I can charge you for an empty bag of grapes? You think I'm stupid enough to not notice that you've eaten half the bunch?

10) Say any of the following things:
On finding that your shopping costs less than you thought it would - "Ha, every little does help!"
In reply to my shout of 'alcohol' (under 18s can't sell booze without permission) - "Yes please!"
Having just asked when I finish, and been told that I don't finish til 8 - "Ah well, only three hours to go, then!"
Having just been asked ' would you like any help with your packing?' - "Oh, yes please."
As far as I'm concerned, it was a rhetorical question. Now get the hell out of my store.