i DO blame it on the weatherman

I remember back in Year 11, we had biology on the second floor of A-block and our classroom overlooked the field. It was winter and it was snowing. This one girl in my class had recently moved over from India, she'd never seen snow before. I'd like to say that it made me look a little closer at the white stuff, appreciate it that little bit more now that I'd seen it through someone else's eyes.

Sadly, I still can't stand the stuff. I was always the kid at school who lost at snowball fights, I was never very competitive - meaning I would never fight back. Snowballs down the back, in the face, in my jumper, ice in snowballs, dirt in snowballs, snowbricks, snowboulders. I sucked at snowball fights. I still do. Not that they happen to me so often, now, but it's still a scary thought. If someone were to ambush me in the street with an icy arsenal, I'd be screwed.

As a result, snow just pisses me off. It's like fine art, or sculpture. It's beautiful, sure, so why on earth would you want to throw it at someone? Would you bundle a Jackson Pollock up and shove it in someone's face? Ok, so it's nature, you can't get sued by the Tate Modern for damaging nature, but what's the difference?

Would you chuck a hummingbird at someone?
Or maybe a porpoise?
How about mud? I love mud, but I wouldn't throw it at someone. Actually, that's a lie. I'd much rather have a mud fight than a snowball fight.

Mud is fantastic. Earth, compost, soil, mud... Ah yeah, that's more like it. I love the smell of the soil, in the summer when you're lying on the itchy grass, or in the winter when you're in the woods or something and the air stinks of it. Ok, I have a mud fetish, it's no weirder than appreciating bits of frozen nature by shoving them down people's backs.

And another thing. Biased weather reports. Out of my whole sociology class, only two people agreed with me here (including teacher so that counts as two people), but I think hot weather blows. Mmm, sweaty. You can wrap up against the cold; there's only so many layers you can take off in the heat before you start breaking the law. Or damaging yourself.

Fair enough, it takes all sorts. Some like it hot, some like it grey and rainy (me!), others like it so windy their nostrils shiver. Here's a home truth for you:

WEATHER REPORTING = BRAINWASHING

Weathermen and weathergirls like HEAT. They like SUNSHINE and they HATE RAIN. Why has no one noticed this before? There is a blatant, flagrant and... downright stinking bias towards equator-like weather in our mass media.

"Hey guys, it's 7am and we're set for another day of 30 degree heat! Yeah! So, break out your sweat-patches and get ready for some seriously damaging sunburn!"

Who the hell decided that heatwaves were a good thing?

Don't get me wrong, I like a bit of sunshine as much as the next girl, but there's sunshine and there's ohforcryingoutloudifiwantedtoBURNi'dmovetoHADES sunshine.

Give me summer evenings, when it's warm enough to be comfortable, but your head doesn't feel like it's imploding.

Give me spring, when everything's fresh and beautiful.

Or autumn rain, when everything smells like winter but it's warm enough that you can wander round in your t-shirt, completely drenched, and not care.

Give me anything but interminable summer, droves of girls who look good in bikinis and never, ever sweat.