let's catch up - things that have pissed me off since last we spoke

Aloha. I'm back. And, surprise surprise, I'm angry about something.

The Daily Mail - for telling us to vote Tory.

The Sun - for telling us to vote Labour.

36% of the electorate - for listening to The Sun. As much as Michael Howard makes my skin crawl...
Now I know how America must have felt when George Bush got re-elected. I'm actually embarassed to be living in a country where the majority of the electorate (the majority of the portion of the electorate that can be arsed to vote) don't seem to either realise or care that TONY BLAIR IS A LIAR.

It's not just a conspiracy, it's fact. He's lied and lied and lied again. He's gone back on every promise he's ever made, he doesn't listen to his people, he lies to them, he thinks that we're idiots. Well, we've let him get away with it... so maybe he's right.

My family - for not telling me who they voted for. I can't imagine why, it's not like I'm bolshy and opinionated when it comes to politics.

Students at Oxford - for being stupid enough to jump off a very high bridge into 2ft of water. If that had been students at Skegness polytechnic, they would have been neanderthals and proles. Because they're at Oxford, it's youthful high spirits that went tragically wrong.

That made me laugh. The thing that pissed me off was my mum saying, "See, you could've gone to Oxford."

Is that her being pushy or calling me a brainless tosser?

School children at the matinee performance of Julius Caesar I saw yesterday - for being utter knobs. Not only did they burst out laughing every single time someone died (and a LOT of people died in this play), but they also talked, ate sweets and shouted "eurgh!" when two of the male characters hugged and kissed before going off into battle.

"I don't mind gays, there's nothing wrong with being gay, I just find it repulsive when people even hint at any kind of affection between men. That's minging that is! I'm twelve years old! I shouldn't be allowed to go to the theatre!"

Seriously. I believe that theatre should be for everyone. I also believe that everyone should shut the hell up when people are risking their necks to perform. More than the Hamiltons, the Blairs, the Beckhams, Eastenders, the Sun newspaper, the Daily Mail and Blu Cantrell rolled together in a big ball - I HATE PEOPLE WHO MAKE NOISE DURING PLAYS.

Myself - various, inc: Losing my passport, developing an inability to sleep, not enjoying the wonderful things that I should be enjoying, not doing ANY work, having stolen Straw Dogs off of Emilie and not plucking up the guts to watch it, not sending any writing to my old English teacher, sending too much to my old Drama teacher, not cutting my hair.

James Bond - for always, always getting the girl.

The women in James Bond films - for never, ever telling the greasy fucker where to get off the carousel. Pig. Hussies. You know where you can stick that License to Kill. How about a license to get the hell of my television and check yourself into a sexual health clinic?

Garnier Nutrisse Intense Light Copper Permanent Hair Colourant - for smelling so bad that within thirty seconds of putting the stuff on my hair I was retching like a cat with a hairball and swearing like a trooper. Also for still making my hair smell like crap after I'd washed it three times and sprayed half a can of hairspray on it.

Women's magazines - for showing nothing but anatomically impossible beauties with giant knockers, tiny waists, perfect hair and three inches of make-up on botoxed faces.

Men's magazines - for showing exactly the same thing but with the camera focussed distinctly downwards.

It's not just being annoyed that women's magazines assume that all we care about is how we look, it's the fact that the first thing you see in a newsagent's is row after row of tits and arses. Has it never occured to anyone that maybe a girl doesn't wanna see that when she's out buying chocolate?

The Full Monty - for making me cry in front of my film studies class.

My ex-boyfriend - for getting a new girlfriend while I'm still on my own, for making me care that I'm on my own, for being the person who knows me better than anyone else on the entire planet, for not being my boyfriend anymore.

Yes I know that's hypocritical and makes me a bitch because it's my fault but I'm lonely and I don't care.

Bailey's Minis - for being mini, and not... maxi, and therefore not containing nearly enough Bailey's.

People who say hello and goodbye in other languages - for sounding like pretentious twats.

Ciao.