and i'm back

Back from where? I hear you ask. Well, um, nowhere.

I'm back in the most metaphorical sense of the word. Not so much returned as... regressed. Thing is, I've been doing OK these last few weeks. Almost a month, in fact. It was kind of around the same time as I revealed my undying love (well, of sorts) for Mr Anonymous and then got knocked back. Funnily enough that really helped me out. I stopped mooning around, started getting off my arse and taking control of my life, doing what I wanted to do and generally making myself a lot happier. So, yeah, it's been good these last few weeks.

On Sunday, I got into this stupid mood about something or other. It was one of those days where I stayed in all day to get work done, and got nothing done. Absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I didn't want to do anything but curl up in a ball and sleep. I've kind of learnt by now to recognise the symptoms. Firstly, I start getting angry at absolutely everything. Then I start worrying, get excessively anxious. Then I just don't care, completely numb and really couldn't give a shit what happens. Then I get sad, and suddenly I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Throughout all of these stages, I feel exhausted.

It lasts a while. Days, weeks, worst case scenario several months and then I'll suddenly snap out of it. One day I'll just feel better and everything will be fine. Then I'll run around, doing everything and seeing everything and generally pretending that I'm superwoman. Something or other will trigger it off and then, I end up back where I started. That's where I am now. Back at the beginning. Square one, the bottom of the snake, no ladders in sight, if you will.

In a way it's good that I can see the pattern in these stupid 'down phases' because it means I can kind of see them coming. Maybe that's bad, maybe I'm expecting to get down and so I do, maybe I let it escalate. Either way, this time I decided to do a pre-emptive strike. I went to my drama teacher, intending to just ask if I could maybe have a chat to him about some of the stuff that's been going on. Kind of a safety net, so when I start shutting people out and isolating myself, there's someone who knows what's going on.

Is it pathetic that I'm depending on a teacher for that? Probably.
Am I being over dramatic about this? Probably. I don't care. I'm too exhausted to care.