less than a day

I've always been skeptical of people who say that they lose their faith and then find it again within days or weeks. To me, losing faith has always seemed like a much more long-term, life-changing kind of thing. But then, I'd never done it before.

Last night, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I understood then, how people can change their beliefs so quickly, so abruptly. All of a sudden, God wasn't there. He didn't disappear, I didn't cease to believe in him but I completely ceased to see how what he had to do with me.

If you're up there, watching me, and not helping me, then I don't think I want to do this anymore... What the fuck do I owe you, if you won't even help me? If I get down on my hands and knees, if I'm saved, if you love me, why do I feel like this? Maybe you don't care. So, maybe I don't care.

It was instantaneous, and terrifying. I walked around today with what the fuck do I care? racing round my head. I spoke to some people, told them, and they told me to pray about it. No no, dear friends, you misunderstand. I don't want to pray, because I don't see why I should.

Somehow, by some peculiar means, I can see why I should again. At some point in the last couple of hours, I started to care again. Maybe it was having a cry and a yell, getting the angst out of my system. Maybe it was someone saying how I was a kind of spiritual guide to them. Maybe it was being reminded that the world does not, and never will, revolve around me.

I'm back, again, I'm starting over. Again. But it was weird. I've never felt that way before, and I'm not quite sure why it happened. But I care again.

It's a good thing that God doesn't yell back when I yell at him. I bet he knows more rude words than I do and he can definitely shout louder.