it's all very drifty at the moment

Here's another disjointed and slightly pointless post. These ones are really for me, I want to look back in a few months time and remember what I did this week, and how weird it felt. Like I say, I don't like doing this, but I know I'll regret it if I don't.

Monday
Drove down to Exeter in the pouring rain, saw a lovely sunset, listened to music, loved England. Remembered the way to the university all by myself from when I went there in February and felt pretty good. Went to the pub with Ro and got myself a round of applause from some drunk football fans:

Ro: What do you mean you don't squat when you pee outside?
Me: It's not a squat so much as a crab.
Ro: Define crab...
Me: *drops into interesting crab position on the floor, legs akimbo,*
Large group of men that I didn't notice before I took such an undignified pose: *cheers*
Ro: *dies laughing*

Tuesday
Trev, Ro and I drive around for three hours in the rolling bowels of Devon, find only FIVE pubs, only one of which is both open and serving food. It's in a village called Nomansland, which seems strangely appropriate, and we vegetate in front of the fire feeling so so content. Go to Exeter Uni Christian Union, have mixed feelings about it. Realise that I'm really bad at being around other Christians. When you've only been to one church in your life, you get used to people and they get used to you. Seeing new Christians is like holding them and yourself up to a very unflattering magnifying glass. Yeah.

Wednesday
Drive home, Little Chef, getting lost, sunset at Virginia Water. Weirdest, loveliest day. Make the grave mistake of checking my bank balance. Shit. Cannot listen to Colourblind by Counting Crows without crying. Realise that I have to find something else to do while I listen to that song, and I do.

Today
Wake up so late. Spent the afternoon with Est, making ransom note poetry (cut and paste from the newspapers. My poems say "biting in French / in death / in love / in England" and "-state abyss- americans who fight / want injury, identity, faces / not victims for home / here, votes are born from horror / heroes desirable". Played musical chairs on Joe and Dave's radio show, lost horribly. Saw Paul, went to KFC in Staines, sat by the Thames and talked religion, what else?

I rediscovered a Pink song that I loved last year:
I'm looking for a way to become / the person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Nothing is ever enough / baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem
Do you even know who you are? / I guess I'm trying to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar? / I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad? / I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what I have?

People say life sounds much more interesting at uni than at home. This is true. I really can't complain. I have more music to listen to, more books to read and work to do than I have time to even think about. I have amazing people to hang with, and I get to be on the radio again this Sunday. I'm scared of going to church but I'm going anyway. I'm scared of a year abroad but I'm planning one anyway.

The people who intrigue me the most here are the people who aren't behaving like I am, who aren't fazed by this. There's those who get drunk the normal way, at night, too much, because they're bored. I don't like them. And I don't much like those who aren't stupid or indifferent, but pretend to be both, who talk about their hair too much. I'm not keen on those who are too idealistic, or macho, or aggressive, or nice. I like the people who aren't responding to the pressure, who aren't trying that much, but aren't trying too hard not to try.

I have changed since I've been here. I can't come to conclusions about anything here, which is why all of my posts seem to be just drifting off rather than actually finishing.