i am chocolate mousse and a glass of wine

There aren't many sentences that strike genuine fear into the heart of this particular Fruitcake. Of the few that do, the two most recent are: "Right, we're going to do some trust exercises now...", and "Oh, I found your blog the other day..."

I heard both of them today.

It's February the 14th. What strikes fear into your heart? Questions like, "So, got any plans for the big night?", "You mean you're not doing anything?", "My boyfriend got me a Hummer, what did you get?"

Ssh. Valentine's day doesn't really mean anything at all. I'm caught between love and hate at it. Teddy bears and chocolates and Hallmark cards. Who hasn't had loathed them? I'd rather have tulips, but you see someone getting roses and it has to make you smile.

That said... Singlehood takes something of a beating this time of year, being alone in general. And I hate that. Really, I do. And you know there's more people alone tonight, getting hammered and copping off, watching videos with a lonely bottle of wine, trying to pretend it isn't slightly shit to be a lone wolf today.

Being single on Valentine's Day... I've only not been single on Valentine's day twice, which means I've been single on Valentine's a grand total of sixteen times. If being single was ok yesterday, it'll be ok tomorrow and I'm damned if today will feel any different.

Maybe it's the copy of Buddhism Without Belief sitting on my desk (courtesy of Tim, have I mentioned that I love Tim?), but what's the point in wanting something that isn't mine right now? I'm sure someday it will be but today it's not and that's the way it is. I don't... I'm more sad about the fact that I recently wasn't than the fact that I currently am.

Cat, despite the initial terror of realising I had one more reader than I thought I did, I'm glad you found my blog and I'm glad you liked it. I'm also glad that you agree swearwords can be a literary device. Amen to that.

Who says there's no love for the single on Valentine's? Last student-led workshop today, we're lying on the floor in the Boilerhouse, trying to count to thirty as a group, one number at a time. It takes us something like six tries, each time a little closer, lying in semi-darkness and it's nice to notice how we know each other's voices, how I've never been in a group that got past ten in this game.

I don't know what it is that helps us count like that, how you just know when you can speak and when you can't, how you can tell when it's someone else's turn to say a number. I don't know, but I like that you can.

Then, cell group, in my bedroom, praying and really being honest with each other. Good call there. I'm not great at praying with people, less so with people I don't know, less so with people who don't know me. After tonight, though, I can kind of understand why it's such a big deal. And I understand the only way to get to know people is to actually talk...

Yeah, there's been love today, my V Day has shaped up pretty well, regardless. The second chocolate mousse of the day went down very well, as did a glass of wine, some good music and some good conversation.

A bit disjointed, a bit nice.