not that i see myself as a prostitute, but...

Church, then.

Romans 7 is the reading. I don't even realise it til I hear it but these are the verses I read in the prayer room the night that I walked out and left being a Christian behind me. I wouldn't say they were the catalyst, but they certainly made me realise a few things.

Colin talks about the flesh and the spirit, and how they want different things and that's how we end up doing the things we despise. He talks about little steps, how each harmless cigarette is another step closer to being somewhere you don't want to be, eg addicted to cigarettes.

He makes a wise point, and illustrates it well. But it's too much like straight lines to me. I can't see life as one pathway, one straight road anymore. I see it more as being a pond, and we're sort of treading water and dipping under and what's more important is just breathing and enjoying the feeling of the lilies rather than getting to the other side.

I finally get the courage to pray, and ask God for someone to talk to who will understand. At which point Catherine comes and sits next to me to paint something on the wall, and I smile quite contently.

Before I leave, Tracey gives me Hosea 2:14-15, "but then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from captivity."

Hosea was told to marry a woman who he knew would be unfaithful to him, and he loved her quite faithfully until she was able to do the same for him. As with God and the church, he waited patiently til she tired of her other lovers and returned to give him the affection he craved.

Sat on Catherine's windowsill, as we are wont to do, I say that I think I'm too scared to give all of myself to faith. I threw myself into it wholeheartedly, with little thought, and I got hurt by it. I was encouraged and enriched and transformed at so many points but in the end it just hurt me too much because I knew deep down it wasn't going to work. Because I didn't really believe it.

I built a wall between myself and God and then threw myself at it, which I imagine is why it hurt because, let's face it, bricks are hard.

I don't disbelieve, but I don't believe, and I simply do not trust that I won't get hurt again by this.

If and when I go back it won't be because I think it'll be fun or because I'm so desperate for self-worth that I'll pretend to believe anything. It'll be for love, just like with Hosea.