so

So, I go to Nikki's house, with the intention of baking some muffins and having a good old catch up.

I end up telling her everything.

I'm not sure how we made the transition from idle chit-chat about whether it's morally right for someone to copyright the recipe to banana and chocolate muffins, and whether psychology makes faith difficult (we decided that it can do) to me spilling my guts, but we did anyway. Oh deary me did I spill my guts.

I ended up telling her my story. A potted history of myself, the reasons why I think I am the way I am, the reasons why I was that way in the first place.

My story begins with the words "When I was 13, I met this guy." and is both punctuated by and finished with the phrase "I don't know what to do."

My story didn't really start when I was 13. Other things started earlier. Like my being afraid of death, which started when I was 7 and saw a thing on TV where this woman caught a virus that made her age and die in about 60 seconds.
"What's happening to her?"
"She's getting old."
"Why?"
"Because everybody does."
For months, maybe years, after that day, I thought about dying every day. Every night, particularly. I didn't want to sleep in case I didn't wake up.

The nightmares started when I was about 11, when I watched Scream at a friend's birthday party and suddenly, that guy in the mask was in every corner of every room. He was standing a the bottom of my bed in the morning, he was reflected in the mirror at night, he was behind the shower curtain. I dreamt about that mask for about two years. Scarecrows too. And lifts. I always dream about lifts.

I tell Nikki some of this. Mainly I just hint at it. She knows I'm afraid of a lot of things and she knows why. For the purposes of My Story, that's all she needs.

My Story - How I got from 13 to 18 in 5 easy years, doesn't take long to explain. Within its pages, two grandparents die, and I make a lot of bad decisions. I go through three relationships and become preoccupied with the way the first one hurt me, and the ways in which I hurt the second too. It's a riveting tale of sex, drugs and rock and roll, only I've never taken drugs.

Although, I've thought about it recently. My most recent ex is a stoner of the highest (ha!) kind and I know that the offer of being introduced to my subconscious via a quick smoke is always open. I've never even been tempted to try that before. No matter what people say, drugs change you. I've seen it happen and I have no wish to be changed in that way.

I do, however, have a very intense wish to feel something else other than what I'm feeling right now. It's getting harder and harder to feel nothing at all.

I talk an awful lot at Nikki's house. We cook two batches of muffins, they are the nicest muffins I think I've ever had any kind of involvement with and I feel a lot better. When I've talked for a very long time and am starting to lose steam, Nikki asks me a couple of questions and I start talking again.

I tell her about the bible verses I've been given recently, from Romans and Proverbs.
"Wisdom is like a woman shouting in the street."
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

and the one that I would have tattooed on my heart if I thought it would fit:
"I am leading you in the way of wisdom,
I am guiding you on the right path.
Nothing will hold you back.
You will not be overwhelmed."

I tell Nikki all this, and she tells me to keep writing my thoughts down, to find some healthy ways of letting stuff out. Then she gives me the bowl of cake mix and the spoon to lick.