scared sheetless

Last night. Scary thing happens.

I'm in bed (my messy, sheetless bed) and I'm trying to get to sleep. But I can't. I take a Nytol and feel a bit ill because it gets caught in my throat.

Watch an episode of Futurama. Leela almost gets married to this guy pretending to be another cyclops. Think about getting married. Consider watching another episode of Futurama but the remote has disappeared and the TV won't switch on.

Get annoyed at TV. Feel very spoilt and westernised. Feel guilty.

Start to feel very guilty about severe lack of revision. Sat at laptop most of the day and wrote the beginning of a story about two people who runaway. Realise that most of the stories I write (nay, all of them) are about people running away. Wonder what I should make of that.

Start to worry about exam on Wednesday, exams in general. This is silly for the following reasons: 1) I haven't been worried about exams for months, 2) I have nothing to worry about, I'm more than capable of getting the grades I need and don't need to bust my ass revising. Not arrogance, just fact based on my UMS scores and etc.

Silly, irrational me.

Start to worry about work. Meant to do overtime tomorrow but will now have to cancel due to severe need to revise that didn't exist half an hour ago.

Set my alarm to 2 and a half hours before my shift starts in the morning so I can call and cancel. It'll be fine.

Start to worry about my prolonged absence from the gym. Why? They don't care, as long as I'm paying them. My mum doesn't mind because she hasn't been either. It's not like I miss it. Why am I worrying so much?

Resolve to go during the week.

Roll over and try to sleep.

Worry about sheetless bed. Why didn't I remember to put new sheets on? Why? Do other people forget to do that? NO. NO THEY DON'T. I am the only person who does and it reflects so badly on me as a person.

Worry that someone will drop round and barge into my room, seeing horrendous mess and sheetless bed and will judge me for being a messy skank, a lazy fat girl who never goes to the gym and cancels overtime.

Worry about having little money and borrowing heavily off my parents. Worry about not having enough summery clothes to get through the summer.

Worry about worrying.

Then, I realise. I'm regressing, going back into the BAD PLACE, where BAD THINGS happen and BAD THOUGHTS abound. I can feel it happening, the worrying, the fear, the plunging feeling of worthlessness in my stomach. And I think, fuck no. Not now. Not before my exams.

I will not walk into my exam on Wednesday and not know what to write. I just won't. I'm not going to let this happen to me because I am not going to fail myself. Fuck off. I say it out loud.

FUCK RIGHT OFF. I'M NOT GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN.

And it goes away. And I roll over, and go to sleep.

And I woke up this morning, called Tesco, did some hardcore revision, learnt some hardcore quotes and am good and ready to sit and regurgitate everything know about Owen and Rosenberg, Sassoon and Graves, irony and Somme and patriotism and statements against war.

So now, how do I feel? Proud that I conquered my demons? That I'm starting to learn how to control my emotions? Nope. I'm shit scared. Whatever. I'll get through these exams, I'll probably even manage to do well. But it's gonna come back, no matter how much I delay it. I am by no stretch of the imagination 'fixed', and I can't stay in denial forever.