playground politics

disclaimer: warning, this is long, very long. It's late, very late. And this post is rambling, very rambling. You know what I'm like when I hit on a fun analogy. As proud as I am of this one, I'd advise that if you don't like politics, my opinions or extended metaphors then you should just skip this post, maybe go look at the pictures of my hair again.

S'all about Make Poverty History at the moment - G8, Gleneagles, Live8, Bob Geldoff, Coldplay, Africa, Sudan, Oxfam, free trade, fair trade, subsidies, national debts...

Locally, s'all about Europe at the moment - France, Netherlands, 'no' votes, constitutions, European Union, reforms, integration, member states, the single currency, economic growth, those bloody stubborn English gits...

For me, s'all about kiddies and grownups - spats, huddles, bitchfights, secret societies, discipline, parent teacher conferences, "you'll understand when you're older" and (my personal favourite) "daddy knows best".

So. We, the people of our various countries, are the kiddies. Our politicians are the grown ups. They know what's best for us, so they make the decisions. They plan our days out and make the house rules, they give us chores to do and punish us accordingly when we don't do them. They rule us with a firm hand, and we trust them, because they're grown ups and they know better than us.

Right?

The thing about politicians is that, unlike parents, we get to choose them. Well, kind of. We get to choose what kind of politician we get, what breed they are: the strict disciplinarian 'you'll eat your peas and you'll damn well like them' Michael Howard, the liberal 'I only feed my kids organic tofu and flowers' Charles Kennedy' and the completely dithering 'well I'd like to give you crumpets but that American family across the road say that fries are better for you' Tony Blair.

Some choice. It's all very well, this voting for a representative of the people thing but, like with parents, the problem with politicians is that once you've got them, you're stuck with them.

Case in point - Mr "I don't agree with tuition fees" Antony Blair, who then promptly gave us not only tutition fees but top-up fees as well, making it HARDER for people to go to university.

"But Daddy, you said we wouldn't have any tuition fees!"
"Be quiet, eat your greens."

Socialism my arse. Democracy my arse. Welcome to the liberal democratic state of MY ARSE, now 100% honesty free, accountability kept to a minimum for your peace of mind. Would you like FRIES with that?

I digress. Apparently, despite the fact that he's a lying non-entity, Tony Blair is still our proverbial daddy (don't get me wrong, I don't blame him, it's not his fault we're too stupi to vote him out). The other Daddies in our neighbourhood are just as big and strong, if slightly less well-spoken.

There's Mr Bush at number 5 (he has a big chimney and a big car that our Daddy washes for him), Mr Schroeder at number 7 (makes good sausages) and Mr Chirac at number 9 (Daddy pretends to like him but doesn't really).

These Daddies, along with the other ones on our street, run the entire world. Why's that? Because we said they could. Or at least they say we said they could. Anyway, they do, but it's ok, because they're running it on our behalf. Even if we don't always agree with Daddy, he's got our interests at heart.

Right?

So, it's the annual meeting of the World Trade Organisation a couple of years back, and one of the protesters outside has just killed himself. Thought that maybe people would pay more attention to his cause if he did that. Thought wrong.

So, the Dutch and the French have just had referendums and have said NO to the EU constitution with big-ass majorities. They think that maybe their Daddies will listen if they kick up enough of a fuss. Think wrong.

Do you remember when you were a kid, and you and your brothers and sisters or friends used to get sent out of the room because 'the grown ups were talking'. Didn't that drive you up the wall? So patronising, especially as you got older and felt that you really were adult enough to take part, if only they'd let you try, maybe the reason you were still a child is because they never gave you a chance to be adult.

Mr Schroeder (I don't care if I've spelt that wrong) wants to introduce a new 'two-tier' European Union. In simple terms, this will divide the EU into two groups - the inner core (who hold the most power) and the outer circle (less integrated, less considered). Like kiddies and grown-ups, you might say. If you were that kind of person who liked analogies. Which I'm not.

Check this out - "Berlin is the main benficiary of the constitution because of the proposed change in the voting system. For the first time, it would link decision making power to size of population - giving Germany the greatest say in EU decisions" (The Independent, 4 June 2005).

Funny that. If I were a cynic and inclined to point fingers, I'd say that old German sausage has a sneaky reason for wanting the EU constitution enforced. I'd say that creating an 'inner-core' of key European states (namely the ones that agree with him) to force through this constitution was just a sneaky ploy to get more power. I'd say that, suddenly, Daddy's not quite the trustworthy figure he once seemed.

It's nice the way that we human beings do that, you know, how we simply stop listening to the voices that annoy us, how we can block out the things we don't want to hear. Some people don't want the EU constitution? Well, that's fine, we'll just ignore them and do it anyway.

"But Daddy, we don't want the EU constitution."
"Be quiet, eat your Brussels. Sprouts! I said sprouts!"

Well, screw you Schroeder, France have said NO, and the Dutch Daddy has said he won't go against his country's wishes and say yes to the constitution anyway which means that none of the other leaders can without looking like fascists which means that you, sir, are BONED!

I love politics.

Which leads me on to the G8 - the politcial embodiment of the term "Daddy knows best". This one really gets my goat. Actually, it doesn't so much get my goat as GRAB my goat, twist its ears and shave the words "CONDESCENDING POLITICANS WILL ALWAYS WIN" into its backside. Man, I sure am getting good at imagery.

It's all so lovely in theory because, well, most things are. Communism, in theory. Free trade, in theory. Me going to the gym, in theory. The 8 richest Daddies on earth, the ones with the most expensive cars and exclusive golf-club memberships, all getting together to discuss how to help out the poorer Daddies who live down the road. The Daddies who try but, bless them, just can't seem to raise their children like good Christian Daddies should do. I mean Liberated Daddies. Did I say Christian? I meant Liberated. Religion has nothing to do with it. Heheh. *sweats*

Nice. Very nice. But, for starters, who decided that the way these Daddies raise their kids is the right way? Our daddies have lets us get fat, they've started fights with other Daddies and not even told us why, they've lied to us and they never act the way they say we should. Why should they be in charge of all the other Daddies, just because they've got the biggest guns?

And why don't the other Daddies get a say? Picture it - you're a kid and it's Parents' Evening at school. When you get older, when you're a 'student' instead of a 'child', you'll get to hear what goes on, but right now, you're a child, and you're waiting outside. Inside, the grown-ups are debating what is to be done about you. How you are to improve. Later, you will be informed of their decision and you'll just have to go along with it because, you've guessed it, daddy knows best.

Now here's the thing. When was it decided that developing countries were children? Who made the call, who was it who stood up and said that small nations, poor nations were incapable of deciding their own futures? I know, I know that time and time again developing nations have been screwed over by their own Daddies, by the people who are supposed to be leading them. And I know that, without some kind of intervention, a lot of these nations will never be changed.

But who the fuck made the G8 the Daddies of the world? Since when are these decisions their's to make? Why isn't global poverty being solved in the UN, in discussion between the countries with the money to give and the countries with the people who need it? Why are these decisions being made behind closed doors, between eight rich men in a big rich house eating big rich dinners, while their children scream and cry outside?