awesome

I'll tell this one in snippets, just like I used to.

Friday, Joe and I sit by the pond behind Founders, talk about relationships, how and why and if they're worth it. When you're happy you feel like you can never be hurt again; when you're hurt you want to become celibate, to close yourself off from ever having to feel.

It lasts until you get bored of crying, til someone catches your eye, and then suddenly falling in love doesn't just seem like a good idea, it seems like the only idea. Sometimes can take ages, years, to get to that place again. Sometimes it doesn't take half as long.

In the end, deathbed thoughts won't be of the pain, but of the joy. And in that, this is worth it.

*****

Saturday, my brother's house, his room full of things that used to be in my parent's house. That's the bed I slept on when I was 10, that table in the living room I used to play under as a kid.

I lie flat on my back, stare up underneath at the black capital letters printed on the tables underside. I tell Dave I used to fixate on those letters, on what they meant. He asks what they mean. I grin, tell him I don't know, I'm eighteen now and I still haven't figured it out.

*****

Chris and Dave, North for the Winter, play at the Point in Fleet. They're good, very good, about four years older than the oldest person there and with a kind of musical sophistication that the little shits can only dream about.

I like the way people, couples, stand together at gigs. This is the kind of music that makes guys hold their girlfriends a little bit tighter. I love it.

*****

Mex and I drive home from Fleet, listening to Jimmy Eat World, driving far too fast. Too fast, too dangerous. If I could drive, that would be the thing that killed me.

Dubiously, Mex lets me drive his Smart Roadster around the industrial estate. I'm terrified, but it's so much fun. The temptation to put my foot down, to get away faster is almost uncontrollable.

It's a good thing I don't drive. I'd never come back.

*****

The Ag, a guy from Tesco I had such a crush on is putting the moves on me and it's a lovely bit of closure I'll admit. A year ago nothing would have made me happier.

Tonight, I go outside and talk to a bald guy called Nathan, who tells me that no one can take control of my life but myself. Only I can fix myself.

He tells me not to worry, he's 31 and he's only starting to work himself out. I've got plenty of time.

19 year old graphic design students are all very well, but Nathan's got my heart tonight.

*****

The big white elephant you drive past on the way into Camberley. I get the urge to break in somewhere and, a traffic cone and a salsa central advert later, we're climbing over the fence and taking pictures of ourselves on the elephant.

I used to be terrified of that thing. Sarah swallowed a penny when she drove past it once, or was it me? I can't remember. Either way, I'm not scared of it anymore.

*****

Shaun says, "if your brother knew you were doing this, he'd kill us both", and he's right.

I'm in a shopping trolley in Andrew's front garden, smoking something special and trying to remember all the French words I know.

Half an hour later I'm asleep with Mex on the sofa. No, not asleep, just pleasantly incapable of moving.

*****

The Monaco Grand Prix wakes me up before I'm ready and Chris, my other big brother, watch it together.

*****

I talk to Liz at the pub. She wants to know how it's going so I tell her what's true, that now I'm starting to understand it all it's much easier to deal with.

I tell her I'm not a Christian anymore, that I've started smoking and I'm terrified that my parents will find out and be disappointed, that I'm taking control and losing control all at once but that every day is better than the last because finally, I'm figuring myself out.

She grins. "That's awesome."