peace perfect peace

This is gonna be difficult. Maybe it's too soon but I figure writing about it will help me sort my head out.

My weekend went well, for the most part. My fabulous 9 hour shift at Tesco left me in a surprisingly good mood; an old friend's 18th birthday party was good fun, I caught up with lots of great people I haven't seen in a while; I had a lie-in on Sunday morning (first one in weeks) then went shopping with my family. The sickening irony (is it even irony? or is it just crap timing?) is that I felt for the first time on Sunday afternoon that maybe things were looking up. I was starting to feel genuinely happy for the first time in months.

At about 6:35, I was in the kitchen, unwrapping an M&S sandwich when the phone rang. It was my uncle Ian in Aberdeen. My granny died in her sleep at about 2o past 6 on Sunday evening. Life's funny like that. She'd been in and out of hospital for months. A few weeks ago, my dad actually travelled up to Scotland to say goodbye because they thought she wouldn't last the week. She was getting better, that's what gets me. She was sitting up, the day she died she had a conversation with my aunty, the first time in ages she'd recognised anyone. She went to sleep in the early afternoon, then she passed away about 10 minutes after my aunty left the hospital and went home.

I've been preparing myself for this. I actually thought I'd gotten used to the idea. I nipped into church for a couple of minutes last night and had a bit of a cry. Then I was fine. I fell apart this morning. I spent most of the day trying to stop myself from crying and failing miserably. It's not just granny, it's every single, stupid thing that's been bringing me down for months and this is just the final straw. I can't hack it. I really don't know what to do.

We have to go to Scotland for the funeral in a few days time. I have to worry about catching up on work and postponing mocks and getting time off work when all I want to do is curl up and sleep. I have to put on a brave face for my mum and dad, because they'll get upset if they think I'm upset. I have to go to my drama group and audition for a play tonight. I couldn't care less. I just want to sleep.

I'm trying to think about it like this: now, she's not suffering anymore. She's resting in peace, she's up there with my Daddy in heaven and she doesn't ever have to worry about anything ever again. I'm glad for her in that respect.

Spoke to my old english teacher today. I told him what happened (he's more a mate than a teacher) and we had a whinge about how horrible death is. Then he pointed out the obvious by saying, it must help when this kind of thing happens to have some kind of religious belief to lean on. He's right of course.

I'm leaning. It'll be fine.