the cool ratings
Emilie is cooler than me, because she's a quarter black. Never mind that she used to play the flute, or could fit in my pocket - nothing will ever detract from this unassailable ethnic coolness. Is that politically incorrect? If so, my bad. I just wish I was black.
So, anway, my point is, that I have to determine whether people are cooler than me. The Queen, for example, is cooler than me for having several palaces and hordes of corgis. Her cool factor is lessened by the fact that she spawned Prince Charles and does not dress pukka. My cool factor in comparison to her is in turn increased by the fact that I can wear jeans and swear in public, and don't look permanently startled.
Me and the Queen, therefore, are equally cool.
I decided to make use of my Listings blog (hands up if you didn't know there were other sections to this blog) to compile a list of reasons why Philip Duncalfe is very uncool. Now, as is my custom, it is therefore necessary for me to balance the scales with a list of reasons why he is also far cooler than I will ever be. Therefore, we will be equally cool. At least until he gets on my nerves again.
So.
Why Phil is cooler than me (to be read in conjunction with Why I am cooler than Phil)
1) He has an ace accent. The day I figure out what the accent actually is will be a day of much jubilation. It's not Welsh. Not Australian. Much. Any other guesses? I, in comparison, talk like a chav.
2) He has unconditional offers at universities.
3) He is not especially crude in everyday conversation.
4) He is exotic and well travelled. In the sense that he's visited more than one continent, but hell, anyone who's lived some place other than Yateley is exotic and well-travelled to me.
5) He has never worked for Tesco.
6) He doesn't sit like an upturned hedgehog.
7) He's a Duncalfe.
8) He was intelligent enough to figure out that the piles of coal by the sewage plant in Sandhurst were not, in fact, something else entirely less pleasant. Although I still maintain that my theory explained the smell a lot better.
9) He is able to drink beer without having projectile vomitting flashbacks.
10) He speaks pidgin.
11) He doesn't spend disproportionate amounts of time compiling lists of reasons why he is cool and uncool in comparison to his friends.
12) When I told him I had nightmares about lifts, he didn't laugh.
posted by Fi @ 10:40 pm
3 Comments
3 Comments:
*whines*
I'm cool! Or, at least, the people in my head are cool, and as their sole mouthpiece, I demand respect.
P.S. You're not as badly off as me. Half the world's population isn't black (I don't think), but half of it is male. I'm not even in the top half of coolness in the world, and that's just taking my gender into account! *weeps bitter tears*
Introduce me to this elusive Phil. I want to hear him speak pidgin.If he's lucky, I'll be impressed rather than pointing and laughing.
Mmm, pidgin. *is thinking of chasing pigeons at Trafalgar Square*
By all the power vested in my 1/4 black pygmy body, I here by pronounce you an honourary afro-belgian!
I'm afraid I have not the power to make you some cool sounding african hybrid (like afro-caribbean or afro-nicaraguan...) you will just have to be the same as me!
Obviously, the greatest of the above is being a Duncalfe. But he should remember that the name only carries "coolness" because of those who have gone before him.
On the downside, he's a pillock. :)
brata, yu save mi jok tasol. yumi gat planti stail, na mi tingim dispela meri i mas laikim yu tumas... meri b'lo yu mas lukaut!
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