i am not but i know i am

I am so tired. I can't sleep and I am so tired. I am so nauseous, I am spinning, my head is spinning.

I am Joe's pulsing headache.

I am nothing but a pair of headphones with a pulse.

I am so worthless.

I am in love, completely utterly, with so many things. With learning, with talking, with writing, with knowing stuff and becoming wise. With God and with myself, with every single person around me. With words, quotes, books, songs, places and several teachers. Countless guys. What the hell am I?

I am weak and feeble, I am strong, but not strong enough. I am everything I know about and I am absolutely fuck all. I am tiny and confused and furious and bitter and whinging and childlike. I'm grown up, on good days, I'm almost a whole person.

Bad days I'm just a fraction.

I'm high on incense that smoked last night and gave me this goddamn headache. I am Joe's alcohol intolerance. I am indigestion and restlessness. I am constantly on the verge of vomitting. I'm so tense that my shoulders ache, my whole body aches all the time, I'm physically ill with nervousness. I'm terrified and paranoid.

So paranoid that I probably shouldn't even be considering adding weed to this equation. I am the crudest Christian this side of the black apostle in Dogma. I am Joe's occasional blasphemy.

I've started saying 'oh my goodness' instead of 'oh my god'. This morning I woke up with a headache so bad that I couldn't look at the light and I said 'oh my motherfucking goodness'. That's me, summed up in one curse.

Did I mention that I'm hopelessly in love? If I was over dramatic (which of course, I'm not) then I'd say that my entire life has been spent in a time of unrequitedness. I am unrequited. It's not that I don't get what I want because life is unfair or God is unfair, it's because the chances are there, the blessings are there but I miss out on them on account of my being so rubbish at noticing them.

I am Joe's unsent valentine.
I am Joe's dubious imagery.

Did I mention that I can feel again?

I decided to give my life back to God again at the weekend. I decided (as I tend to do) that feeling shit was an altogether rubbish way of living my life. I would spend one of my paltry 24 hours a day in prayer or in study, immersing my whole life in Christ and being healed, inspired and generally refreshed. It lasted til last night, when I stayed awake half the night coming to the slow realisation that it is not possible for one to turn one's life around so quickly, and that to trust in God so wholeheartedly requires a strength of mind that I don't seem to have.

It should be so easy, letting go.

I am Joe's white knuckles.

Whenever I try to surrender, I do it on my own back, because I have realised that I need God so I will let him into my life. Then, I realise that that's not surrender at all, so much as an educated decision. Logically, I know that life is God is better than any other kind of life I've tried, so I decide to try it again. God doesn't want me to give devotion a try, he just wants me to do it, permanently and for real.

Which leads me to think, if I'm still too stubborn to let God in, after all this time, after all this hassle, how much hassle is it gonna take? When the fuck am I gonna figure this out?

I am stupid. I am whinging. I am scared.
I am not very much at all, other than that I know I am.