sponsored silence

"I'm entered into a sponsored silence, where I'm only paid / if i dont' say what I want to say" Idlewild.

There was this post I started on Friday night. You can guess what it was about. I'll have to post it retrospectively, because I want to say what I was going I say. But not tonight.

I keep starting posts that I never finish. I'll let you see them one day. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. There are certain things it probably would not be wise for me to say on the wonderful web. So I'll say this instead:

I do not like this empty house. All the shit in my head has expanded to fill the gap left by my family and I'm slowly going crazy. I haven't felt this bad for many weeks. I've become bored with being frustrated at myself and so I'm getting frustrated with the people around me. I have to sort myself out before I get bored with lashing out at myself and start lashing out at people instead.

I know exactly what I'd say. I go over it in my head and I know one of these days I'm going to slip up and say these things out loud. Maybe that's a good thing. I think a lot of my relationships could do with some honesty. I wish for one day I could be completely fearless and just say all the things I want to say.

The fallout would be immense. But it would feel so good.

I did a 48hour sponsored silence in year 10. If you know me at all, you'll know how difficult it was. I remember we were having a debate in RS and I wanted so badly to join in, to say my bit. I just knew that if I could speak up then the debate would go differently, if I could just get my damn point across.

Deja vu. I'm sick of walking on eggshells. One of these days I'm just going to start telling the truth and to hell with it. Lying never did anyone any good.