it's been a while since i've done this... it feels good

Things that are pissing me off right now:

1) That the random shuffle feature on Windows Media Player isn't actually random at all. It's currently bouncing between Kelly Clarkson and Manic Street Preachers, intent on playing through both their albums. I just played some Yeah Yeah Yeahs to try and throw it off course and, as if it was raising some kind of technological finger at me, it shuffled itself back to the first Kelly Clarkson song it played. How can something I've spent so much time with be so beligerent with me?

2) That people who speak English, that is, people who aren't even bilingual, still insist on putting completely unbidden bits of foreign language into their songs. Why? It doesn't make me look cool when I try and speak Spanish to Kate's Argentinian boyfriend therefore it does not make you look cool to sing the chorus of your pop song in French in an attempt to make your white American self exotic. Piss off. And shut up.

3) This also applies to Christina Aguilera putting Hispanic beats in her music and pronouncing her name 'Christinaguileraa" to make herself look 'hood'. Sorry love, I saw the big white ranch where you actually grew up on MTV and I am not impressed by your attempts to play ghetto.

4) That, on Thursday, I spent a few gnarly minutes with my hand, literally, up a duck's arse attempting to remove its giblets, only to find when they were eventually birthed back into the outside world, that they were shrinkwrapped. Now, forgive me, but the who the fuck came up with that one? Let's employ someone to remove the bird's innards and then, once we've wrapped them in plastic, let's employ someone else to shove them back in for safekeeping. Would it have been so hard, so immensely costly to just put them in the box BESIDE the duck?

5) Garden centres where you have to walk through the entire building to get to the exit, meaning that when I nip back in the entrance to put my nan's wheelchair back, I'm then stuck and have to wait, nose pressed against the doors, until some kind customers wander in and let me out. Also, the member of staff who came to give me a filthy look when the wheelchair set off the security alarms, saw that I was returning it to its rightful place, gave me a smile instead and then didn't tell me how to get out of the one way automatic doors. Plum.

6) Whoever it is that keeps pressing the buzzer on the front door of our block... I wouldn't mind, you know I wouldn't mind if it was someone actually trying to get into our flat. If it was the entire of North Korea come to eat sushi in our flat then at least I could lie safe in the knowledge that, at 2am, someone else would get up and answer the door. But why, why in the name of all that is good and pure is it that OUR buzzer is the one that everyone chooses to press, regardless of who they're actually looking for?

Me: "Hello?"
Intercom: "Hi, um, can you let me in?"
Me: "Well, who are you?"
Kate (in background): "Ask if he's got a hammer!"
Intercom: "Um, I'm here to see Janey *names changed to protect the irritating*"
Me: "Right... Which flat does she live in?"
Intercom: "Err... not sure, it's on the top floor."
Me: "Then why are you ringing our buzzer? This isn't the top floor."
Intercom: "Uh, they're not answering."
Me: *stunned silence *
Intercom: "Can you let me in?"
Me: "Fuck off can I. If Janey wants to let you in she'll let you in herself."
Intercom: "But she's asleep!"
Me: "Then why are you here?!"
Intercom: "I wanna see her!"
Me: "Well call her and wake her up!"
Intercom: "I don't have her mobile number!"
Me: "If you don't know her well enough to have her number you certainly don't know her well enough to show up at her door at 2am and expect her to let you in and you CERTAINLY DON'T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO WAKE ME UP. PISS OFF."
*brief pause, followed by the sound of next door's buzzer*

The best one are the ones who show up, ring our buzzer, ask to be let in, come up the stairs, wonder why it takes so long for someone next door to let them in, go in, spend an evening there, go home, come back the next day and repeat the exercise without once realising that they're not actually ringing the right buzzer. I'd let them know, but it's actually quite fun pretending to be one of their friends.

Intercom: "Hi, is that Billy?"
Me: *deep voice* "Sure thing sugar, come on up!"