the first of september

A couple of years ago, before I sat my GCSEs, my mum and I went shopping to Tesco in the middle of a heatwave. It was getting to the tail-end of the wave, the bit right before it breaks and you get that massive thunderstorm.

I was in a shitty mood. I had been for days. Aside from anything else, the heat was really getting to me. I couldn't sleep at night so I'd lie awake listening to Evanescence until I eventually passed out around dawn when I felt cooler. Exam stress was getting to me as well but mainly? I was just mad at everything.

Mum and I were driving back from Tesco and I was complaining about this mood, how I was grouchy and annoyed at the littlest things, how the heat was driving me crazy. And how it had gotten so much worse that day. In a few short hours I'd gone from pissed off to utterly furious for no discernible reason.

As we drove into Yateley, the storm broke. Thunder rolled and sheets of rain came pouring down. And suddenly, I was happy. I was in the best mood, laughing uncontrollably as we hurried to get the shopping in dry. Mum thought it was great, told me I had some weird weather thing going on. I said I just hated heatwaves.

Pathetic fallacy, I think, that literary thing where the action mirrors the weather. Lord of the Flies - incredible heat builds, kids get antsy, the metaphorical storm breaks and BAM, suddenly the thunder's rolling, Simon's dead and Piggy's shitting bricks.

I sat and watched the thunderstorm with Paul last night. I've never been outside for one before. We were walking on the green when it broke and we ran to hide under a tree. We counted the seconds between lightning and thunder to see if it was getting closer.

Aside from the normal life updates, Paul and I tend to talk about one of three things: movies, sex and religion. Thunderstorms call for big and important topics. After we'd exchanged theories on the meaning of life, I mentioned Rob's beer-fuelled theory on religion (if you missed it, see the post called 'at the pub'). Paul wanted to know about DIY religion. Is it OK for people to pick and choose the bits they like and don't like from religions? After all, isn't everyone entitled to the ladder they like best?

Paul's analogy on religion goes like this: Religion is like camping. You can either go camping with the Scouts, or go camping on your own. If you go with the Scouts, you have to follow their rules. You have to eat their food, obey their curfews, not feel up any Girl Guides. If you go camping on your own you can do pretty much whatever you want but you're isolated. When you set fire to your dinner, there's no one to help put it out. Late at night when the heebie jeebies set in, there's nobody to keep you company. Campfire singsongs aren't much fun on yor own.

If you go to a church or mosque or whatever you like, you're obliged to do it their way. If you just pick the bits you like and go camping in your own field, it's tailor made. You get to be outdoorsy and stay up past midnight. All very well. But, my argument was, you can be a Christian without being part of a church if you want to be, but if you're not camping with the boy Scouts, and you're not keeping the boy Scout promise then you're pretty much just a guy in a field with a tent. To be a Scout you have to act like a Scout.

This was supposed to be about thunderstorms, but it kind of makes sense. See, I've been camping on my own recently. I'm still chilling out with the boy Scouts but as far as the way I've been behaving, I'm in a completely different field. Why? Because becoming a good Scout requires time, effort, persistence and dedication. I have none of these things. I'm looking for quick fixes.

Thunderstorms bring out the best in me. Paul and I eventually ended up under the edge of the Tythings, getting soaked from the knees down by the rain ricocheting off the floor. I was standing right under the guttering, flicking my hands through the overflow from the ceiling when I realised that thunder doesn't scare me anymore. I'm just not afraid like I used to be. I mention this to Paul and he says, of course you're not scared, God's got your back.

It's not that bad stuff won't happen to me, I said, I'm as likely to get struck by lightning as you are. It's just that I have nothing to be afraid of.

Well don't you know it, my own personal pathetic fallacy thunderstorm happened today. Too much hot weather has been building up for too long and now it's breaking. All that tension, all that bland muggy heat has turned into absolute floods. My mum reckons my emotions are bound up in the weather. Maybe my inner Literature student just couldn't let this opportunity for a metaphor go by without comment.

Oh, and I know it's not the first of September today. But it's the first time it's happened this September.