the halt

This morning I woke up, got up, showered and collapsed back into bed. Literally. I didn't go back to sleep as such, just fell back into bed and stayed there for a few hours, unable to get back up again.

This is what it means for your body to tell you to fuck off. The spirit, the mind, is willing, but the flesh is so so weak.

I'm not sure if I can hack this.

I've officially dropped beneath the level of minimum attendance for one of my courses which, according the to the handbook, means that I automatically fail it. It's gonna take a couple of well placed letters from the health centre to save my ass now.

I'm still terrified that someone's gonna grass me up. "This girl isn't depressed, she's just a big fat lazy baby!" Get her out of bed and send her to work. Tell her to get on with it. Grow up and get on with it.

I've been growing up and getting on with it for a while now. I've played the 'I will not be beaten!' card too many times and now something inside me is rebelling. I can't get up and get on with it. I don't have anything left.

I've ground to an absolute halt.

Unfortunately, the world doesn't give up when I do, stop moving when I do, break down when I do.

Put the whole world on pills.

Tonight is the first Thursday since November that I haven't gone out on the prayer walk with Alan and co. The prayer walk is the only example of perfect attendance I've had at this uni, or ever in fact. I've been fiercely proud of it, hauling my ass up that hill no matter how I felt, no matter what the weather.

Tonight is a time to be humble. I'm too tired to be anything else.